Holiday Blues

Late last year was a challenge to my strength. I tried very hard to push myself to endure work and gain some  free time too. Less sleep, not enough rest, more sales, pay bills, repeat. With great bills, comes great responsibility and I know that it will be a struggle to get by for the next years to come. So, for Christmas holiday, I was really looking forward to some rest and quality time too. Which was a big disappointment. Maybe if I just stayed out of that Christmas holiday illusion, there will be no expectations at all. Going on a trip for New Year though was good. At least the quality time I needed finally happened.

I don’t have resolutions for New Year as I tend to forget them just few days later. I set goals though to challenge myself in pursuing them throughout the year. This year I plan to torture myself more, doing double of what I achieved last year. Maybe if I just re-direct all my energies to the right direction, everything will fall into their rightful places. I plan to get back into the action immediately after my long rest.

This year though started rough and very unforgiving. As if a sign that it will not be smooth sailing from here on. As if an issue of my own life will be not be a handful to deal with, a news broke when I got home from my holiday vacation, that my mother was rushed to a hospital for Ascites (when fluid fills the space between the lining of the abdomen and the organs). We thought it was only a minor viral infection, that could be easily treated with all the technologies nowadays. We thought so, and prayed hard too.

After eight years of being away from our home (abroad and getting my own place after the wedding), I spent time with my family more than my usual visit. It was the most agonizing two- weeks of my life. Seeing her in pain just breaks my heart. Everyday, I have to remind myself that I have to be strong, it’s still the first month of the year, and there’s 11 more that I have to face head on, I can’t give up, I shouldn’t cry. Anxiety builds up together with more restless days.

I know I shouldn’t blame someone for what happened to her. I know that it’s God’s will, but have we failed to do what should be done? I just can’t believe how strong she was and that life was taken too early. I can’t believe that with all the technologies present and with how many years these Doctors have been studying and practicing, they can’t figure out what was the real cause of my mother’s suffering.

I still cry when I remember her, anytime, anywhere. We were at her bedside at her last moment. I want to remember her as a doting mother but how can I unsee her in so much pain? It hurts me more that my father and brother is feeling twice as hurt as I am.

Ma, Thank you for everything. We miss you. I hope you are happier now. Please look over us and heal our hearts. xo



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