Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go.
– Nikita Gill
2015 ends up to be the loneliest year of my life. It’s a rollercoaster ride of emotional turmoil. It’s the year I cried the most. There has never been a day that I haven’t thought of my mother. There is never a week that I didn’t shed a tear. Anxiety creeps in to distract my solitude. My life is a chaos, with nobody to turn to, even the person I trusted the most.
My mother’s first year death anniversary is coming up soon. This was how my 2015 kicked off last year. Full of anxiety and heartbreak till the end. I even hit my quota of unfair share of tough life on Christmas day.
To heal from the pain of sudden goodbye is a long process. I hope this new year, It will hurt a little less. To let go of what I don’t deserve. To journey and find my own peace and be happy again.
To my beloved mother, whom I dearly missed. I know life has been so unfair with you too, and I thank you for being strong all those times. I’m sorry for letting you down. I miss you.
Whenever I listen to this song, I can’t help my heart to tear up. Even as I am writing this, I missed you.
One last cry, let me say goodbye. Please don’t let her die on me, It ain’t her time. World could hate me, but to me you are the best. No matter what people say, you never blamed others. No matter what it is, your loving was almost like a miracle, that created miracles.
Late last year was a challenge to my strength. I tried very hard to push myself to endure work and gain some free time too. Less sleep, not enough rest, more sales, pay bills, repeat. With great bills, comes great responsibility and I know that it will be a struggle to get by for the next years to come. So, for Christmas holiday, I was really looking forward to some rest and quality time too. Which was a big disappointment. Maybe if I just stayed out of that Christmas holiday illusion, there will be no expectations at all. Going on a trip for New Year though was good. At least the quality time I needed finally happened.
I don’t have resolutions for New Year as I tend to forget them just few days later. I set goals though to challenge myself in pursuing them throughout the year. This year I plan to torture myself more, doing double of what I achieved last year. Maybe if I just re-direct all my energies to the right direction, everything will fall into their rightful places. I plan to get back into the action immediately after my long rest.
This year though started rough and very unforgiving. As if a sign that it will not be smooth sailing from here on. As if an issue of my own life will be not be a handful to deal with, a news broke when I got home from my holiday vacation, that my mother was rushed to a hospital for Ascites (when fluid fills the space between the lining of the abdomen and the organs). We thought it was only a minor viral infection, that could be easily treated with all the technologies nowadays. We thought so, and prayed hard too.
Have you ever felt exhausted in your relationship? After x-number of years, Perhaps there will be a time that it will become a struggle to keep the fire burning. To have and to hold, for better or worse.
One thing is constant, people change. Doesn’t matter what his/her facebook status is, single, married, complicated, people change on their own. They grow. Some slowly, some rather fast. And if you’re in a relationship with no honest communication, you’ll grow further apart.
Eight years ago, I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of beautiful individuals who came from different backgrounds. I was optimistic and full of hope then, as if nothing will shatter my dreams as I took on my first step to a whole new world, first world country, that is Dubai.
The first country I’ve ever set foot into saved my own. The first time I was away with my family, living independently. Those beautiful individuals became good friends who took care of me during my toughest plight and lowest point. I’m really grateful and feeling nostalgic, reminiscing those days we shared laughters, conversations, sadness, tears, book reviews, tears for Harry Potter. I miss them.
Few years ago, I fell in love at first sight. It was like heavens thoughtful act that we met at the right time. I was in need of a breather and a cozy nook to relieve the stress I was in. I heard retail therapy also works at that time, but I’m pinching some for a future big event then. So, I was really happy to be spending quality down time with this new found love, authentic budget-friendly, Swedish home decor store — Ikea. Oh, the days I spent just wandering around Ikea store, no matter how I already memorized the interior maze still brings about a gratified feeling.
When I finally settled down and owned a place to decorate and fill with all the gorgeous furnitures and fixtures, Ikea was not available readily in the Philippines. And I cringe at how expensive Manila resellers market these items.
Fast forward to 2013, I decided to start a little project, called Pretty Little Cravings on Instagram. We were furnishing our newly turned-over condo unit and I just had to ship few items from Singapore where we were based. I figured out I can save on shipping cost if I take some orders from people who were just like me, eager to get their hands on some few pieces from Ikea. The project was well received and up until now, I still can’t believe that a lot of our avid followers are also returning customers.
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner
Why in the world people expect big things or even the smallest things from other people and somehow ends up being disappointed yet they keep on doing so? It’s a tiring routine. But no matter how we try to stop ourselves from delving into uncertain dreams, we keep on circling around it.